As I get closer and closer to the arrival of our little one, I've been thinking more about how I haven't really shared with many people how he came to be in the first place or the things that have been going through my mind during the process. Now, don't worry, I do not plan on making this a biology lesson because I'm pretty sure most of you know where babies come from. Rather, I want to share a little bit about the emotional, spiritual, and mental journey that we've gone on.
When my husband and I first got married, we agreed that we would prefer not to have children until at least a year after we had been married. What we meant was that we wanted to be married at least a year before trying for children, but we joke now that God heard "at least a year" and decided that a little over a month after our first anniversary would be a good time to give us our first child. That point there, that this was all God's plan, is one of the most central parts, I believe, of our baby story. At first, we were taking pretty strong measures in the form of medication to make sure that we didn't have a child before we felt we were prepared and could support a child. I know that I, at least, had tried to convince myself that I was being responsible and the measures we were taking were best because not being super cautious was like jumping off a cliff and shouting to God "Catch me!", but as time went on, I realized that my motives weren't as pure as I tried to make them seem.
There were a couple thoughts that I frequently found myself dwelling on. The first was that my husband had revealed to me that he was not really comfortable with the risks of the pills and, as any good wife should, I tried to be very considerate of my husbands feelings on the matter, but the second thought was the one that really turned us around. This was the realization that I wasn't really doing what I was doing to be responsible, but rather, I was acting out of fear and not trusting God. Now, I am not saying that measures of contraception are wrong, especially if you really are trying to be a responsible steward of what God has given you, but if you're only motivated by fear and distrust in your own ability to care for a child, then I would suggest you reconsider. After talking to my husband and taking into account both his discomfort with the medication route and my being motivated by fear, we decided to toss the pills and trust God. A few months later, God decided to bless our lives with the news of this little one.
That time in my life was truly a lesson in trusting God. Not only did I have to give over the fear that we would not be able to provide and care for a child, but I was also facing the serious illness of two of my grandparents. Through that whole time, I could hear the various people in my life who had taught me saying in my mind "Trust the Lord." and so, I did my best. This was especially hard when, shortly after learning that we had a child coming into the world, I lost the Grandmother who really had been a great support in my life. I had always expected that, when my first child came, she would be there supporting and guiding me through it, but that just wasn't the plan. Shortly after she passed, I kept thinking "Grandma, I need you here. I don't know how I'm going to get through this without you." but, knowing her as well as I did, I could imagine in my mind her responding with a gentle "You don't need me. Trust the Lord." Ever since then, my husband and I have been going through these past nine months testing our faith every day and I'm sure that will continue for the rest of our lives, especially once this child is in our lives.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Saturday, September 1, 2012
What Brought Me to Where I Am
Even just in writing the title to this post, I thought in my head "Wow, how am I going to cover everything that has gotten me to this current point?" and the truth is, I can't, but I'm going to do my best to share with you some of the key things in my life that have helped prepare me to be a woman, wife and mother. Granted, I know I still have a lot to learn about being all of those things, but there have been several influences in my life that have at least started to push me in the right direction. As I think of them, I can only feel blessed and thankful that they've gotten me this far and I can't wait to see where they, and other influences, continue to take me.
I feel the only right place to start this explanation of my journey is to start where my journey began, with my mother. On December 21, 1988 I was born my mother's first child. From that very day, she started me on my journey to becoming who I am now, and even who I will be in the future. With her in that powerful shaping role were two other very beautiful women, my grandmas, Kathryn and Martha. These three women would make up the most powerful examples in my life of how to be a good woman, friend, and mother. Each of them had very important and valuable lessons that they shared with me though my life that I'll never forget. Some of the lessons I took note of at the time they shared them and some of them are still coming to me now as I grow. At any rate, these three women, I believe are the core of who I have to thank for getting this far (except one other source that they pointed me to who is above all else, but we'll get there later.)
Since I'm unsure where to begin with this, I'm just going to start from oldest to youngest and work my way through those three lovely women in my life. First, I start with my dear Grandma Martha, a true beauty of a lady. Grandma Martha, my dad's mom, was the kind of person you couldn't help but love and the kind of person who couldn't help but love others. The biggest thing that sticks out in my mind as I think back on the time I had with her was how she was always so welcoming to everyone. It didn't matter if you were an old friend, family, or just some stranger that the cat dragged in, she would welcome you into her home with love and a full table. Her hospitality and smile had a way of really just lighting up the room even in the hardest of times. She didn't have it easy, seeing as how she was in a wheelchair much of her life because of MS and her beloved husband, my Grandpa Wilbur, had issues getting around and sometimes even remembering her because of Parkinson's and related issues. That never stopped her from being joyful though. She always told me "If you can't laugh, you'll cry, so you might as well just laugh" and laugh we did. Grandma Martha, through her sweet personality, taught me to always give, love, and laugh like there was no tomorrow. Knowing that she, at one point in time, took care of my Grandma Kathryn when they were younger, I wonder if maybe that's where Grandma Kathryn got some of it too.
That brings me to my next lovely lady, Grandma Kathryn, my mom's mom. Just like my Grandma Martha, her heart was full of love for every person no matter who they were. I don't think anyone, except maybe my mom, was ever able to make me feel as loved and cared for as her. When she passed away this past January, I was just amazed (and then again, I wasn't) by the tons of stories of people who had been touched by her generosity, love, and humor. She was another woman who could just light up your day no matter how bad it had looked before. She had her share of health struggles and what not too, but what she really struggled with, because of her giant heart, were the struggles of those she loved. My Grandma Kathryn taught me how to really feel what others were going through and to be there for and with them no matter what. She was the kind of person who, I feel, had truly mastered rejoicing with those who rejoiced and mourning with those who mourned (even though she'd pretty much always find ways to make the mourners smile again too.) I know that if she were here today, she would absolutely be rejoicing with me in the coming birth of my son. I can just hear her telling me how proud she is of me and that we'd always be in her prayers. "You'll do just fine, Kay." she'd say "Just make sure he has a nice box to sleep in." she'd joke, because she kept me in a banana box at her house when I was a baby.
Even though my Grandma Kathryn is not with me today, I feel I have her in two ways. One, I can hear things like she'd say in my mind because I knew her well and two, I can see much of her in the third wonderful woman of my life, my mother. There is not one person in this world who has done more for me and who I am as a woman than my mom. From the time I was little, she did her best to teach me the best way to go while somehow, at the same time, letting me figure out parts of who I was for myself. Like my grandmas, she loved, and still loves, with a heart of gold. She also was another woman who taught me how to push through the hard parts of life and appreciate the good ones. My mom always has pushed herself to the limits to provide for me and my brother everything we needed and a lot of things we really didn't but wanted anyhow. I feel like there are a lot of things I learned from the way she raised us then that I won't even realize until I find myself applying them in the years to come with my son.
No, I'm not saying my mom, or any of these women, are perfect, but they all have been great examples for me of how to try to be. Most importantly, there is one thing in which they all tried to be a good example for me in, that is, how to love and follow God with all your heart. Each and every one of these women, at one point in time, took the time to remind me that no matter what was going on, I needed to point my eyes to Heaven, so to speak. They taught me to love Jesus and to try to love like Him. This is the absolute most valuable lesson they left with me and one I hope to do a good job in passing to my son. While I thank these women for helping shape me, I know they were not the only ones to do so. Of course, I know there are many other events and people in my life that helped mold me, but they were the three I feel truly helped me find myself as a woman. With that being said, it is God and God alone that gave them to me and me to them. Ultimately, the reason I am who I am today is because of my loving Heavenly Father and He is the only reason I will ever be anything like a good woman, wife, friend, or mother.
With all these things that have shaped me to consider as I continue down my path, I am eager (and maybe you are too) to see how each one of them continues to show their influence as I grow and change with my son. I can only hope that I can teach him to love and be loved as well as all of them have taught me and I can't wait to see the day when he starts teaching others to love as well. However, right now, I don't want to get ahead of myself. At this point, I just want to say "thank you" to all of those great influences in my life and that I can't wait to keep learning how much they really did for me.
I feel the only right place to start this explanation of my journey is to start where my journey began, with my mother. On December 21, 1988 I was born my mother's first child. From that very day, she started me on my journey to becoming who I am now, and even who I will be in the future. With her in that powerful shaping role were two other very beautiful women, my grandmas, Kathryn and Martha. These three women would make up the most powerful examples in my life of how to be a good woman, friend, and mother. Each of them had very important and valuable lessons that they shared with me though my life that I'll never forget. Some of the lessons I took note of at the time they shared them and some of them are still coming to me now as I grow. At any rate, these three women, I believe are the core of who I have to thank for getting this far (except one other source that they pointed me to who is above all else, but we'll get there later.)
Since I'm unsure where to begin with this, I'm just going to start from oldest to youngest and work my way through those three lovely women in my life. First, I start with my dear Grandma Martha, a true beauty of a lady. Grandma Martha, my dad's mom, was the kind of person you couldn't help but love and the kind of person who couldn't help but love others. The biggest thing that sticks out in my mind as I think back on the time I had with her was how she was always so welcoming to everyone. It didn't matter if you were an old friend, family, or just some stranger that the cat dragged in, she would welcome you into her home with love and a full table. Her hospitality and smile had a way of really just lighting up the room even in the hardest of times. She didn't have it easy, seeing as how she was in a wheelchair much of her life because of MS and her beloved husband, my Grandpa Wilbur, had issues getting around and sometimes even remembering her because of Parkinson's and related issues. That never stopped her from being joyful though. She always told me "If you can't laugh, you'll cry, so you might as well just laugh" and laugh we did. Grandma Martha, through her sweet personality, taught me to always give, love, and laugh like there was no tomorrow. Knowing that she, at one point in time, took care of my Grandma Kathryn when they were younger, I wonder if maybe that's where Grandma Kathryn got some of it too.
That brings me to my next lovely lady, Grandma Kathryn, my mom's mom. Just like my Grandma Martha, her heart was full of love for every person no matter who they were. I don't think anyone, except maybe my mom, was ever able to make me feel as loved and cared for as her. When she passed away this past January, I was just amazed (and then again, I wasn't) by the tons of stories of people who had been touched by her generosity, love, and humor. She was another woman who could just light up your day no matter how bad it had looked before. She had her share of health struggles and what not too, but what she really struggled with, because of her giant heart, were the struggles of those she loved. My Grandma Kathryn taught me how to really feel what others were going through and to be there for and with them no matter what. She was the kind of person who, I feel, had truly mastered rejoicing with those who rejoiced and mourning with those who mourned (even though she'd pretty much always find ways to make the mourners smile again too.) I know that if she were here today, she would absolutely be rejoicing with me in the coming birth of my son. I can just hear her telling me how proud she is of me and that we'd always be in her prayers. "You'll do just fine, Kay." she'd say "Just make sure he has a nice box to sleep in." she'd joke, because she kept me in a banana box at her house when I was a baby.
Even though my Grandma Kathryn is not with me today, I feel I have her in two ways. One, I can hear things like she'd say in my mind because I knew her well and two, I can see much of her in the third wonderful woman of my life, my mother. There is not one person in this world who has done more for me and who I am as a woman than my mom. From the time I was little, she did her best to teach me the best way to go while somehow, at the same time, letting me figure out parts of who I was for myself. Like my grandmas, she loved, and still loves, with a heart of gold. She also was another woman who taught me how to push through the hard parts of life and appreciate the good ones. My mom always has pushed herself to the limits to provide for me and my brother everything we needed and a lot of things we really didn't but wanted anyhow. I feel like there are a lot of things I learned from the way she raised us then that I won't even realize until I find myself applying them in the years to come with my son.No, I'm not saying my mom, or any of these women, are perfect, but they all have been great examples for me of how to try to be. Most importantly, there is one thing in which they all tried to be a good example for me in, that is, how to love and follow God with all your heart. Each and every one of these women, at one point in time, took the time to remind me that no matter what was going on, I needed to point my eyes to Heaven, so to speak. They taught me to love Jesus and to try to love like Him. This is the absolute most valuable lesson they left with me and one I hope to do a good job in passing to my son. While I thank these women for helping shape me, I know they were not the only ones to do so. Of course, I know there are many other events and people in my life that helped mold me, but they were the three I feel truly helped me find myself as a woman. With that being said, it is God and God alone that gave them to me and me to them. Ultimately, the reason I am who I am today is because of my loving Heavenly Father and He is the only reason I will ever be anything like a good woman, wife, friend, or mother.
With all these things that have shaped me to consider as I continue down my path, I am eager (and maybe you are too) to see how each one of them continues to show their influence as I grow and change with my son. I can only hope that I can teach him to love and be loved as well as all of them have taught me and I can't wait to see the day when he starts teaching others to love as well. However, right now, I don't want to get ahead of myself. At this point, I just want to say "thank you" to all of those great influences in my life and that I can't wait to keep learning how much they really did for me.
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