How Baby Taught Us to Trust

   As I get closer and closer to the arrival of our little one, I've been thinking more about how I haven't really shared with many people how he came to be in the first place or the things that have been going through my mind during the process. Now, don't worry, I do not plan on making this a biology lesson because I'm pretty sure most of you know where babies come from. Rather, I want to share a little bit about the emotional, spiritual, and mental journey that we've gone on.
   When my husband and I first got married, we agreed that we would prefer not to have children until at least a year after we had been married. What we meant was that we wanted to be married at least a year before trying for children, but we joke now that God heard "at least a year" and decided that a little over a month after our first anniversary would be a good time to give us our first child. That point there, that this was all God's plan, is one of the most central parts, I believe, of our baby story. At first, we were taking pretty strong measures in the form of medication to make sure that we didn't have a child before we felt we were prepared and could support a child. I know that I, at least, had tried to convince myself that I was being responsible and the measures we were taking were best because not being super cautious was like jumping off a cliff and shouting to God "Catch me!", but as time went on, I realized that my motives weren't as pure as I tried to make them seem.
   There were a couple thoughts that I frequently found myself dwelling on. The first was that my husband had revealed to me that he was not really comfortable with the risks of the pills and, as any good wife should, I tried to be very considerate of my husbands feelings on the matter, but the second thought was the one that really turned us around. This was the realization that I wasn't really doing what I was doing to be responsible, but rather, I was acting out of fear and not trusting God. Now, I am not saying that measures of contraception are wrong, especially if you really are trying to be a responsible steward of what God has given you, but if you're only motivated by fear and distrust in your own ability to care for a child, then I would suggest you reconsider. After talking to my husband and taking into account both his discomfort with the medication route and my being motivated by fear, we decided to toss the pills and trust God. A few months later, God decided to bless our lives with the news of this little one.
   That time in my life was truly a lesson in trusting God. Not only did I have to give over the fear that we would not be able to provide and care for a child, but I was also facing the serious illness of two of my grandparents. Through that whole time, I could hear the various people in my life who had taught me saying in my mind "Trust the Lord." and so, I did my best. This was especially hard when, shortly after learning that we had a child coming into the world, I lost the Grandmother who really had been a great support in my life. I had always expected that, when my first child came, she would be there supporting and guiding me through it, but that just wasn't the plan. Shortly after she passed, I kept thinking "Grandma, I need you here. I don't know how I'm going to get through this without you." but, knowing her as well as I did, I could imagine in my mind her responding with a gentle "You don't need me. Trust the Lord." Ever since then, my husband and I have been going through these past nine months testing our faith every day and I'm sure that will continue for the rest of our lives, especially once this child is in our lives.